Gardening was not in the cards...

Rocket: Hey Greg! Check out this fire weed I planted!

Greg: You liar! That stuff grows wild.

Rocket: Shhhhhh! I told the wife I've been over here gardening, She thinks I am playing cards with my friends.

Greg: You ARE playing cards all day with your cronies!

Rocket: Well don't tell her that! Holy crow! Here she comes, now mums the word!

Mrs. Rocket: Greg have you seen Rocket? He gave me some ridiculous story about being here gardening!

Greg: Well the last time I saw him he did have a spade in his hand...

Tapped out!

Lina: I think Rocket has a drinking problem.

Greg: What makes you say that?

Lina: Just Look!

Dog Daze

Greg: How old are you anyways Rocky?

Rocket: I am three of your human years old.

Greg: How long do Squirrels usually live?

Rocket: About seven to ten years.

Greg: So that means one human year equals about eleven squirrel years?

Rocket: That;s about it.

Greg: So you are about thirty three then?

Rocket: If I were a human; which I am glad I am not!

Greg: Sure is warm today. Looks like about twenty five degrees celcius!

Rocket: That's about two hundtred and seventy five in squirrel degrees!

Greg: Seriously?

Rocket: You humans are too gullible thank God I am a squirrel!

Moose and Squirrel

Lina: What is that stupid plastic Moose doing on the rail?

Greg: He is not stupid, I have a plan for him!

Lina: Like getting a picture of him with Rocky for a Blog Post called Moose and Squirrel?

Greg: Maybe.

Lina: That's lame.

Greg: Is not. It's an homage!

Lina : It;s a lame-age

Greg: It is an homage to Jay Ward the Creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle, the man was a genius

Lina: I am not questioning his genius I am questioning your sanity.

Greg: You gotta pronounce it right; like Boris Badanov "Muse and Skwerrelll"

Lina: More like Boris Lame-anov!

Rocket: Is that what I think it is? Boy Greg is that lame!

Greg: You ever hear that one about the hand that feeds you?

Rocket: Like I said a Classic!

Alter Egotism!

Rocket: The mild mannered unassuming Rocket J. Squirrel sheds his normal identity for that of his super hero identity as Super Squirrel; protector of tree dwelling rodents and saviour of the planet earth!

Greg: (heard vaguely as if from far away) Rocket, Rocket, ROCKET!

Rocket: (eyes opening reluctantly) What is it!

Greg: You were talking in your sleep!

Rocket: I guess I was dreaming.I am exhausted I think I need a nap!

Greg: Nap! You just had a nap!

Rocket: Saving the world is hard work..ZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Allergic to NUTS!

Greg: Hey Rock have you got any allergies I should know about.

Rocket: Just one; I am very allergic to Peanuts!

Greg: PEANUTS!!! Why didn't you say and here I have been giving you all these peanuts. What happens when you eat Peanuts?

Rocket: Just that my cheeks swell up like this!!!!

Greg: You dirty bugger; you set me up again!

Rocket: (cackling like a fool) You are too easy! Fish in a barrel buddy; fish in a barrel!

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Greg: Hey Rock; this peanut looks like you!

Rocket: It does not!

Greg: You're right Rock! YOU look like that peanut! HaHa

Rocket: Stupid human!

Things aint what they used to be...

Rocket (With a whist full sigh) ... It was way better in my day...

Greg: What was Rock?

Rocket: Nostalgia...

Meet the Press...

Rocket: Come on over here and I'll kick your butt!

Greg: What's up Rock?

Rocket: Paparazzi! I keep telling you I need an agent!.

Greg: Aw Rock not that again!

Rocket: Don`t believe me; check this guy out!

Greg: For crying out loud!

Stress test

Lina: Aw, poor Roky he looks stressed...

Greg: What's this? I thought you didn't like Rocky.

Lina: He's under a lot of pressure with the launch of the new Blog and all...

Greg: Wait a minute... did he put you up to this? Is he on about the whole agent thing again?

Lina: Well it might alleviate some of his stress.

Greg: He's a rodent, what stress does he have?

Lina: I`m worried about him you never know what he might resort to...

Greg: Oh for Pete`s sake!

Old Facefull

Greg: Hey Rock, what on earth are you trying to do...?

Rocket: I saw a snake do this with a mongoose.

Greg: First of all snakes can unhinge their jaws and second where did you see a snake eating a mongoose?

Rocket: On your couch on your 46" flatscreen! Discovery HD as I recall.

Greg: Shhhhhhh!!!! Lina doesn't know I let you in to watch TV!

Rocket:Why is she so uptight?

Greg: It's the whole rodent thing, Rock.

Rocket: Rodent thing???? It's a thing now?

Greg: Don't talk with your mouth full...

You coulda knocked Rocket over with a feather...

Rocket: I'm ignoring you.

Greg: No you're not or you wouldn't be talking to me.

Rocket: I am shunning you then!

Greg: Why, what did I do?

Rocket: Bird lover!

Greg: What have you got against birds?

Rocket: They are a strain on world food resources!

Greg: Your food resources,

Rocket: Bird lover!

Greg: You're right Rock! The Birds Must Go!

Rocket: What, really?

Greg: Absolutely, I'll start by taking down the feeders!

Rocket: Now don't be too hasty!

Greg: No you are right! Rats with wings!

Rocket: Not the feeders!

Greg: Does that mean the birds can stay?

Rocket: Yes, I've grown to love the little guys!

Greg: Well at least you know which side your bread is peanut buttered on! C'mon out guys!

Rocket: You set me up!
.
Greg: To coin a phrase "fish in a barrel" Rock "fish in a barrel!"

On the horns of a dilemma

Greg: Hey Lina, I know you are still mad about the whole memory card business. I have turned over a new leaf. No more squirrels. I have made friends with this deer!

Lina: Uh Huh!

Rocket: (whispering) Pssst you think she is buying it?

Greg: (Also whispering) Be quiet you ninny she'll recognise your voice!

Rocket: (Still whispering) Well hurry this deer costume weighs a ton and it's hot in here!

Lina: I hear there's a sucker born every minute! But I wasn't born a minute ago! Get that ridiculous deer head off.

To heaven in a hand basket

Rocket: (Ambling along the rail) Dum de Dum de Dum... What's this? Greg's peanut basket and it's full. I have died and gone to heaven!

Rocket: Dear Lord for the gargantuan gorging I am about to receive I give thee thanks. Amen

Rocket: I can't believe It

Rocket: Oh No! I've fallen and I can't get up! Wait a minute am I insane? This is the best thing that ever happened to me! I am going to eat my way to freedom!

Rocket: (singing like Maurice Chevalier) Thank Heaven for little Squirrels; thank heaven for them all no matter where no matter who... Without them what would little boys (like Greg) do...

Rocket: Groan.... Ohhhhhhh! I can't believe I ate the whole thing...

Greg: Rocket J. Squirrel!

Rocket: Oh Greg I am in too much misery to handle this right now!

Greg: You are in a bad way but you have no one to blame but your little rodent self!

Rocket No lectures please, just help me.

Greg: Lina! Alka Seltzer; Rodent size!

Greg: Here Rock get this in ya little buddy!

Rocket: Thanks man; you're a lifesaver!

Rocket: Buuuuuurrrrrrrppppppp! Ah that feels better!

Rocket: Uh Greg, I don't seen to be able to reach the rail...

Greg: Yeah, you keep eating like this and I'm going to have  to put in an elevator!

This penthouse is for the birds...

.

Greg: Rocket J Squirrel, Is that you at my BIRD feeder?

Rocket: No! I mean "Chirp Chirp!"



Mutual of Omahahaha they get the last laugh!

Rocket: Hey Greg; what do you have there?

Greg: Ah; just a letter from my insurance agent.

Rocket: Insurance? What the devil is that.

Greg: Devil is the right word; little buddy.

Rocket: Why do you say that? What is insurance?

Greg: Insurance is like gambling. It is where a company bets that you will live long enough to pay them more in premiums than you will get in a payout when you die.

Rocket: Then what happens if you die young?

Greg: Then you win!

Rocket: Stupid humans!

A Rodent in Paris

Greg: Hey Rock; do you ever stare up at a con trail in the sky and wonder what exotic places those folks are going?

Rocket: Nope.

Greg: Really? You never get a twinge in your lttle rodent heart wondering what adventures you could get up to in Rome or Paris?

Rocket: Do they have squirrels in Paris?

Greg: Of course the European Red Squirrel here is a picture from Wikipedia:

Rocket: Too funky. I hear these European Women Squirrels have hairy pits!

Greg: Have you looked in a mirror lately?

Rocket: What are the chances of me ever getting to paris anyways?

Greg: Wait a minute Rock I have an idea!

Rocket: You think that's funny don't you human?

Greg: I was just trying to add a European flair.

Rocket: Then how about some Vin Rouge avec mes graines de tournesol?

Greg: D'accord!

The Dropout!

Greg: Hey Rock, whatcha up to?


Rocket: I`m taking up bungee jumping!

Greg: I would think that between the dogs and coyotes, wolves and house cats that life would be interesting enough!

Rocket: Nah! I like to live on the edge!

Greg: Well I guess so! You have thirty feet of rope and it is only an eight foot drop!

Rocket: What`s your point?

Greg: My point is you didn`t do well in math did you?

Saving Private Rodent

Warning!

The episode you are about to read is intended for an immature audience only and may not be suitable for all readers. Reader discretion is advised as the writer exercised no discretion whatsoever!

Greg: Hey Rock, what's up?

Rocket: Oh hi Greg just taking a break from my weekend war movie matrathon!

Greg: Hey; you're not on Netflix again are you?

Rocket: Great weather we're having; eh?

Greg: Rocky where's my credit card?

Rocket: We could do with a bit of rain though.

Greg: I want that card back!

Rocket: Tough!

Greg: Give it back.

Rocket: Or what?

Greg: Or I'll make you sorry you didn't!

Rocket: You and what army?

Greg: LINA!!!!!

Rocket: Oh No, The woman!

Lina: What is it honey?

Greg: Rocky's got my credit card again!

Lina: Rocket J Squirrel! You are in trouble mister man!

Greg: Oh I can;t look...

Some time passes Rocket is lying on the rail a deathly silence has fallen on the deck. Rocket's voice is weak and trailing...

Rocket: Greg... Greg... What day is it?... Hee Hee...

Greg: It's today Rock. You've only been out thirty seconds!

Rocket: It seemed longer. You don't know man you weren't "In Country" ! Hee Hee...

Greg: What happened Rock I couldn't watch... Oh the humanity... Oh Sorry... Oh the Rodentry....

Rocket: It was horrible... It was like Hanoi Hilton... I thought I was at Gitmo!

Greg: You're not at Gitmo you never left the deck.

Rocket: I was a rock... I gave her nothing but name rank and rodent number... Hee Hee...


Lina: He coughed up the card after only five seconds!

Rocket: She tortured me... I know my rights! Look up the Geneva Convention on Google, Greg! Hee Hee...

Greg: Why do you keep giggling?

Rocket: Giggling? You keep googling! She TICKLED ME!  Hee Hee...

Lina: Damn straight! It worked too...

Rocket: I have PTSD I am going to sue! Hee Hee...

Greg: PTSD?

Rocket: Post Tickling Stress Disorder. I demand restitution!

Greg: I can;t find anything in the Geneva Convention about tickling. I got land mines will that do?

Rocket: No that will not do! Your Honor if it please the court I would like permission to treat Greg as a hostile witness!

Greg: When have you ever treated me any other way?

Lina: Since the movies are already paid for how about some sodas and a bowl of peanuts?

Greg: Cool what's up next?

Rocket: Saving Private Rodent

Greg:I'm getting you a tickle me Elmo for Christmas!

Rocket: Pass the popcorn!

Playing Ketchup

Lina: What do your Squirrels eat anyways?

Greg: Mostly sunflower seeds and peanuts.

Lina: Sounds healthy.

Greg: Sounds boring!

Lina: No it sounds very nutritious.

Greg: BORING!

Lina: Greg!

Greg: B-O-R-I-N-G!

Lina: Have you tried any other foods?

Greg: Yeah, I tried a number of things; pretzels, cheezies, bread, even corn nuts.

Lina: Any luck?

Greg: Not really but I have an idea!

Lina: Ketchup?

Greg: Yeah, at least the seeds and nuts will taste different! HaHaHa!

Lona: Where did you get a squirrel sized bottle of Ketchup?

Greg: eBay! You can get anything on eBay!

Lina: Really? Can you get a restraining order on eBay?

Greg: Har Har!

Good to the last Drop!

Greg: Hey Rock, have you seen my coffee?

Rocket: Nope, why don't you look over there?